Barney's Musical Castle
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room looking unamused) G-man: I gotta tell you, this job isn’t always easy. I mean, if someone asked me “What did you do at your job today?” and I had to answer “I watched a Barney play”, I die a little inside. So, as always with these kinds of things, I have to find someone to review this with me. But since I ran out of people in my contact list, I’ll have to dial a random number and see who comes up… (Cut to a timecard that says "Meanwhile…", and then to Alonzo Lerone in his usual location) Alonzo: So, I have not seen you guys in- (His phone starts ringing. He sighs in annoyance and answers it) Hello? (The caller turns out to be the G-man. During their conversation, it cuts between them) G-man: Hello? Alonzo: Who is this? G-man: The G-man. Who’s this? Alonzo: Whu-? You called me! G-man: Yeah, but to be honest, I just kept dialing random numbers until I got a result. Alonzo: Okay…? Uh, I’m Alonzo. G-man: Hold up! Alonzo Lerone? Alonzo: Yes? G-man (After squealing in excitement): I’m a huge fan! Alonzo: Good for you. Now what is it? G-man: I just need your help with a review. Alonzo: What? I do dumbest fails, not reviews! G-man: Said the guy who also did Gordon Ramsey Tweets. Alonzo: Alright, alright. I’ll help you. (He hangs up) What’s the movie? (The title card for Barney’s Musical Castle Plays. Cut back to Alonzo facepalming) Alonzo: Aww! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): After this poorly-made opening sequence, we get this useless information that’s always spoken at the beginning of these plays. Female voice (V.O): Girls and boys! Ladies and gentlemen! Today’s appearance of Barney is made possible by your imagination! (Cut back to Alonzo) Alonzo: What does that mean? Is he still imaginary, or is literally everyone in the audience imagining the exact same thing? (Cut back to the play. Barney appears) Barney: Are you ready to have a super-dee-duper time? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Happily): Hell no! (Cut back to the play) Alonzo (V.O): After a short compilation of songs, we get introduced to some kids who are just here to be just as annoying as Barney. Barney: Say, everyone, you know all my friends, don’t you? This is Penny! Penny: Hi, there! Barney: This is Andy! Andy: Hi, everybody! Barney: And here’s Jessica! Jessica: Thanks for coming! Barney: And Justin! Justin: Nice to meet you! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Hold-the-fuck-up! Is it just me, or does Justin look to be, like, twelve? I’d understand if he was one of the other cast members, but why is he one of the kids? Alonzo: Hell, if I know! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After a song we’ve heard before, we meet- (A man in a poorly-made sign costume appears) Oh, Christ! Kill it with acid! Alonzo (V.O): The sign gestures that we should follow it… (Cut back to Alonzo shrugging briefly before we cut back to the play) …And it leads us to an enchanted forest. Jessica: It’s just like a picture in a fairy tale book! (Cut back to Alonzo) Alonzo: Hey, don’t spoil where you really got picture from! (Police sirens are heard) And here come the Copyright Police. See you in court! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After a pointless song about flowers… (Baby Bop is heard laughing) Oh, shit… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I’m already suffering enough from Barney. I don’t need that green bitch to be here, too! Alonzo: What’s she gonna do? Sing another song? (Cut back to the G-man looking unamused briefly before we cut back to Alonzo) I jinxed it, didn’t I? (Cut back to the play) BB (Singing): Look at me, me, me. I’m three, three, three! I’m as happy as can be, be, be! Can’t you tell? Can’t you see? I’m a very, very, very, happy me! (Cut back to Alonzo) Alonzo: Can we just skip this? G-man: Wish granted. (Cut back to the play after the song) Alonzo (V.O): We then learn why the sign brought us here in the first place. Barney: It’s a crown fit for a king! Justin: But, what’s it doing here? Andy: Maybe the King lost it! BB: Oh no! The King lost his crown? (The sign stamps his foot twice. Meaning yes. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wait, wait, wait! I have several questions. Why can’t the King just look for it? Even if he can’t leave the castle, how did he lose it? Why can’t his men look for it? Why can’t the sign tell him that it’s been found? Alonzo: Look, do you really expect ALL of those questions to be answered? G-man (Sighing): No… (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Some trees block the path, and seeing as how they’re too dumb to realize they can just walk around it, we have another character to be pointless! (BJ runs onstage. Cut back to the G-man snickering) G-man: Pfft! Hey, Alonzo. Ever had a BJ in the forest? Alonzo: You’re immature… (Cut back to the play) Alonzo (V.O): After yet another pointless song, we find a note inside of the crown that has the purpose of, get ready for this: Another pointless song! Barney: It says: (He clears his throat) I hope I never lose this crown. Without it, I’d be sad and frown. So, if this crown, you ever find, returning it would be so kind. Use the path between the trees, and bring it to my castle please! Andy: Use the path? That’s just the problem. We can’t any longer! (The text "Can their acting be any worse?!" pops up for a brief moment) Barney: Oh, but wait! There’s more! Everyone else: There’s more? Barney: If that path’s no longer there, just ask the bunny, fox, or bear! (Cut back to the G-man praying) G-man: Don’t bring Pooh… Don’t bring Pooh… Don’t bring Pooh… Alonzo: What did Winnie the Pooh ever do to you? G-man: He sang a song about touching privates that traumatized me. (Alonzo looks at the G-man confusedly before we cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): After a performance involving creepy animal costumes, we have one more song to sing before we head off. After that, we get the front doors where… (The guard in the booth next to the door is asleep) Oh for fucks sake… Barney: Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll count to three, and then everybody will shout “Wake up!”! Okay? One, two, three! (Cut back to Alonzo pulling out a megaphone and shouting into it) Alonzo: Wake-the-hell-up, bitch! (Cut back to the play. The guard is still asleep) Barney: I guess we need to shout “Wake up!” even louder! We’re going to need everybody’s help! Come on, everybody! Really loud, now! Ready? One, two, three! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Yelling): The channel that uploaded the original Leeroy Jenkins video is now a toy review channel! (Cut back to the play. The guard finally wakes up) Guard: I’m awake! I’m awake! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Ah, the fear of change! Always keeps everyone nervous! (Cut back to the play) Alonzo (V.O): Not only is this guard lazy, he’s a moron, too! He tells us that there’s a song to open the doors, but he forgot what it was. Barney: Let’s see… Do we know a song that let’s us clap our hands, stamp our feet, and shout “Hooray!”? (The audience applauds) I think they do! Guard: Good! Sing it, and the door will open! (Cut back to Alonzo) Alonzo: Nonono, I’m NOT listening to that song! G-man: Well, then I’ll sing a good one! (He clears his throat and starts singing as the instrumental version of Havana begins) Havana, ooh na-na. Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na. He took me back to East Atlanta, na-na-na. Oh, but my heart is in Havana, there’s something ‘bout his manners, Havana, ooh na-na! (When we cut back to Alonzo, he throws a crushed water bottle in front of him, and it somehow hits the G-man) G-man: Ow! If you wanted me to stop, you could’ve asked! (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): The play then goes to intermission, thank Christ, but it then cuts to the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in these Barney plays: (Two trumpeters blow their trumpets, but instead of its usual sound, the sound of a horse neighing is heard. Cut back to Alonzo looking confused) Alonzo: Uh… (He leans over into his microphone off camera) I don’t understand the question. (Cut back to the play) Alonzo (V.O): After a song we’ve already heard before, we don’t even get to breath before another one starts! G-man (V.O): Oh, and everyone in the audience has flags now. And seeing as how the obvious joke is to play K’naan’s Waving Flag, I’m instead going to play this: (The chorus from the fourth opening to Naruto Shippuden plays over the scene. After it ends, we cut back to the play with the original audio) BB: Oh, Barney, this castle is the prettiest castle I’ve ever seen in my whole life, ever! BJ: Oh, man! Look how big it is! Andy: There’s something missing, isn’t there? Barney: What’s that, Andy? Andy: The King! Alonzo (V.O): Okay, seeing as how the obvious choice is to look for him, we instead get: Drumroll, please… (Cut back to Alonzo pulling a piece of paper out an envelope as a drumroll is heard. When it ends, he turns the paper over to reveal the words "MORE FUCKING SONGS!" in all capital letters. Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): Anyway, after a whole load of bullshit songs, we reach the top of the castle where we look for the King even further. BJ: But, where’s the King? Barney: Does anybody know where the King is? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Hey, look! There he is! (Cut to a clip from the opening cutscene from Link and the Faces of Evil) King: My boy, this piece is what all true worriers strive for! (Cut back to the G-man pulling out his Lego Gun) G-man: Oh, shit! Kill it with acid! (Cut back to the play) Barney: Oh! Your Majesty! It’s so good to see you again! Alonzo (V.O): Hang up! We’ve never seen this person before, so why did Barney say that? (He sighs) Again, the more questions we ask, we won’t get any answers! Barney: These are my friends, Penny, Justin, Andy, and Jessica! G-man (V.O imitating the King): But where’s my old friend Michael Jackson? (Imitating Barney) You might wanna sit down as I tell you this… BJ: Are you sure this guy’s the King? He doesn’t look very King-y. (Cut back to Alonzo) Alonzo: Hey, just be glad he’s not feeding you to the dragon! Sadly, the dragon’s probably Dudley in this universe… (Cut back to the play) G-man (V.O): The King starts kinging- I mean, singing. Sorry, this play’s taking its toll on me… Afterwards, he asks for his crown back. (Baby Bop looks around frantically for the King’s crown) Don’t tell me… (She finds it. Cut back to the G-man wiping his forehead in relief) G-man: Oh, phew! I didn’t have to shoot anyone! Alonzo: I’m concerned for your sanity… G-man: Oh, don’t worry, Alonzo! I lost that ever since my Caillou review! (When we cut back to Alonzo, he’s on the phone) Alonzo: Hello, nuthouse? We have a pickup for you. (Cut back to the play) King: And now that I have my crown, let the celebration begin! (Everyone cheers. Cut back to Alonzo holding a microphone up to his mouth) Alonzo (Singing): Celebrate good times, come on! (Cut back to the play) Alonzo (V.O): After a shitload of songs, the play FINALLY ends! G-man (V.O): Thank-fucking-Christ! I’ve had it up to Saturn with this purple bastard! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wait a second, let me check something… (He pulls out his iPhone, taps it a few times, and looks at the screen in shock) Oh my gosh…! Alonzo: What is it? G-man: This is my last Barney review! (He starts dancing in place as the Fortnite victory music plays. When he stops, he starts speaking again) Thank you Alonzo! And thank you to everyone who reviewed this alongside me! Alonzo: Alright, I guess I’ll send the message. Bye! (Cut to static, and then back to the G-man sighing in relaxation) G-man: Ah, peace at last! Well, after a shitstorm like that, I’m ready for something positive! What am I reviewing next time? (Cut to the title screen for Baldi’s Basics in Education and Learning, and then back to a shocked G-man. Suddenly, he becomes calm) G-man: Well, I am the G-man, that’s all you need to know about that, and if you’ll excuse me, I need to go scream. Category:Episode